Primal Rage: The Legend of Oh-Mah

How the script was written: Patrick Magee is drinking with his buddy Jay Lee in his garage, watching the first King Kong movie. Patrick: “Bro, that was a great flick! We could also do something like that!” Jay raises an eyebrow and replies: “You mad? Today nobody gives a fuck about giant monkeys and the movies about it are worth shit. Last year’s crap with Loki was unwatchable. If anything, we should come up with some proper bullshit to attract as many people as possible.” Patrick: “What bullshit? I want to make art, I want people to be scared and... Jay interrupts him: “You know fuck all about that, you haven’t made anything. If we’re doing this, we need something really cool. DUDE, what about Bigfoot?!” Patrick: “What? Ain’t that from a fairytale?” Jay: “But ours will look like Predator, and will use bow and arrows. It’ll be awesome, bro!” Patrick: “OK, but I will direct, I want to try it.” Jay: “That will be something. Do you at least know what continuity means, or I don't know, cross-editing?" Patrick: “Fuck that! What we need is a lot of blood, a sex scene and some sequences in a car, like at the beginning of The Shining. Yeah, and you know what? In the main role we put some hot chick. Maybe our neighbour, she’s fine, she could do it. And the yeti will fall in love with her and will want to bone her, too.” Jay: “I’ve just said fuck King Kong, and you want to put some romance there?” Patrick: “Don’t worry. It’ll only fuck her and her old man will want revenge. And we must have an Indian sheriff. You know, all the racial stuff and shit... Maybe the shaman from Walker could be up for it. We could dedicate the movie to him and make the redskins happy.” Jay: “That’s cool, but how do we connect the story of Bigfoot with the Indians?” Patrick: “We can say it’s some sort of local legend and put a scene with a shamanic acid trip. That’ll have a fucking awesome atmosphere, bro!” Jay: “Fuck, dude. You want some witchcraft in there too?” Patrick: “Sure, why not? I didn’t think of that... But bro, it can’t be cheap. I want good make-up and stuff. Would you set me up? We’ll save on the actors. We can find some local rednecks and write them lines like for retards. And the hero should be at least a bit ripped, otherwise, whatever.” Jay: “Sure thing, bro. We’ll get a few bucks together. We’re in America, the best country in the world! And I’ll be your cameraman. I like that.” Patrick: “Awesome, dude! Let’s have another beer, catch a few winks and tomorrow we’ll write the script. I can already see it. We’ll be famous, bro!” Jay: “I’m horny for it already. We can’t go wrong if we stick to the tropes. And at the end we have to put some really shocking twist and also a post-credit scene, they’re very cool now. We’ll take care of that tomorrow.” I’m giving one star to this cute project only for the make-up effects and the unquestionable guilty pleasure load of the final act. Otherwise, terribly amateurish shit, and I’m compelled to believe in my fictional behind-the-scenes report. (15.05.2018) (vähemmän) (lisää)