G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

The find of the year for those who love “so bad that it’s genius" bullshit. A movie where the list of all mistakes and illogicalities takes up more room than the entire screenplay. And the heavy-duty guilty pleasure is enhanced by the absolutely crazy Czech dubbing. A universe where ninety-nine percent of twenty equals nineteen, where we find the Silver Surfer (in fact two of them) prancing around, where people can eject from airplanes only by speaking Celtic, where little bastards a racing around under the ice cap and where the precise time and place of incidence is determined according to height a darkness of shadow... Well, who wouldn’t love a work of art like that? Not to speak of soap opera relationships that would have blind Esmeralda’s eyeballs drop out of their sockets. And if they had added the line “Duke, I am your father!", then I would have awarded this a full five stars. P.S.: And the not so hidden Pilsner Urquell product placement was also nice to see. (06.08.2009)

I watched it in 3 hours or so with all "stop" and "play". So I wasn't that bored. Still, I was tempted to fast-forward some of the fight scenes. Unnecessarily long running time, I'm sure it could have been done better in 80 minutes. It's very nice that they all knew each other, had a tragic past, and something in common. Such bullshit. It's watchable, but you better not turn your brain on. So if you want to turn it off, and turn it off hard, put this on. (17.10.2009)

An evil Asian, a tough black guy, a black guy spewing catchphrases, a Bond-esque villain, his fuckable assistant, a charismatic general, and ninety-four other reasons, with one added on top, not to like contemporary Hollywood. This film is the perfect storehouse of ammunition and weaponry for its opponents. Looking around, I fully understand why so many spectators were banging their heads against the seats in front of them. But... to expect anything witty from Sommers is a mockery of one’s own common sense, and I succumbed to the film from the first seconds. When, after half an hour, the action that another director would have saved for the ending - and I felt happy when 1 (in words: one) Eiffel Tower is saved and half of it is demolished (mathematically: ½) of Prague - I wondered if there was such a thing as creative judgment and common sense. And yet it was still not over. Star Wars! The craziest, most unbelievable, and most entertaining high-budget dementia that contemporary cinema has to offer. My head hurts, it really does. (14.08.2009)

Action Man dolls fighting. It’s stupid, unbelievable, illogical and also really entertaining. Sommers may not be as good at action sequences as Bay, but still your eyes will be out on stalks: during the Star Wars battle under the sea, during the chase through Dejvice [a district of Prague] (excuse me, through Paris), during the duel with samurai swords, during the totally dumb lines that the Czech dubbing improved in translation. Quaid is cool, Tatum a chump and Arnold Vosloo a nice guy. It’s no surprise, having watched the trailers, that Rachel Nicols and Sienna Miller cause much drooling. And even Fantomas makes an appearance. Don’t take G.I. Joe at all seriously, it’s just an expensive commercial for toys. What the?! (13.08.2009)

I didn't understand what was happening on the screen during the first 30 minutes, and in the next 30 minutes, I consoled myself with the hope that it was a parody of action blockbusters, and only after about an hour did I come to the conclusion that it is truly stupid and it won't get any better. Of course, I didn't expect any intellectual masterpiece from Sommers, but this time his action-packed digital mess reached its peak when the director completely gave up on any logic, story, or movie characters. It's like whistles, explosions, crashes, and bangs, you just have to ignore the comic speech bubbles. Occasionally, a sentence or a shout comes into it, which usually doesn't make much sense in the context of the image. It's an incredibly childish film, but it can't be considered a fairy tale, as it's more like a movie according to the imagination of a 9-year-old boy who peeks over his parents' shoulders in the evening while they watch an action movie for adults. At the same time, it's a full-length advertisement for an unnamed toy manufacturer that ruins the budgets of children's parents around the world. There are other men in plastic suits, flying machines from the next century, cutting-edge technology, and beautiful women, but it's incredibly stupid, even though it's filmed at such a frenetic pace that you sometimes realize the stupidity later. Basically, any rating is possible, but I'm annoyed by the gigantic budget that could have been used to make twenty other films that would make sense. If I were ten, I would give it 4 stars, at twelve, 3, at fourteen, 2, at sixteen, 1, and after the age of 18, I would have to doubt my sanity if I didn't send this nonsense where it belongs. Overall impression: 10% for the special effects. (21.12.2009)